I’m sorry, but today I’m mentally drained. I feel that someone has taken my skull out of my head and threw it in a shredder. There was this Christmas contest at work where you have to do the best decoration. Every team did their best, I think. It’s just the smack talking and animosity, real or in jest, that was bothering me. What was supposed to be a funny little exercise in teamwork turned into a bloodthirsty compensation with lots of psychotic testosterone coming from both sexes. Look, people. It’s just a contest, okay? No need to be so hostile. We decorate, drink some punch, listen to some Christmas music that not too fucking annoying, and try to have a good time.

The bad thing is that I go to work not only to pay the bills, but also to get some sense of peace. At least at work, there are some elements that are under my control. There is not someone at work here monitoring every single solitary move that I make and demands to be informed of each move. There isn’t anyone at work yelling at me. There isn’t anyone at working making concerted effort to verbally degrade me. There isn’t anyone expecting me to carry the entire burden. There isn’t anyone at work expending energy saying that the failure of my team is my fault and my fault alone. I just do the best I can every day and punch out. Every now and then, someone gives me props for it. That’s all anyone ever wants. Props. Too much to say for, I guess.

The trip to New York City was cool. Very exciting. It was the first time that I was up there in 14 years. Last time that I was up there, no one had ever messed with the Twins Towers. Funny how much the city has changed. I was up there with my friend, Emily. I goof on her because she’s from New Jersey, but she is the best friend that I have. I just wish that 850 miles didn’t separate us sometimes. Sigh.

Anyway, what New York City and I have in company is pure energy. The wave of people coming and going. There is always something to do or somewhere to go. I have that same feeling here in the Empire State of the South. I am like a fish. I have to be in motion. I have to be doing something Maybe it’s the sugar I consume. I dig that similiarity. On the other hand, I’d be broke as fuck. The bus fare would kill me.

I am trying to set some goals for myself for 2005. I want to get back to Reno for a visit. I want to clear up as much debt as I can. I want to get out of the crappy apartment complex that I’m living in. I want to work on my guitar. I want to work on my relationship with my wife and parents and friends. I want to make new friends. I want get my mind right. I know that I’m flawed and damaged: That is the nature of being human. However, it is how we deal and react with problems that makes us better and stronger.